Ah, auditions. Who doesn’t love auditions? Those wonderful summer evenings when you could be out in a beer garden somewhere, sipping a chilled glass of your favourite refreshing beverage, but you’d so much rather be stuck in a darkened room with 10 other sweaty bodies, all competing over the same parts and yet on the surface trying to be oh-so-nice and devil-may-care about it. ‘Me? Oh, I just thought I’d give it a go! Only just decided, really. Nooooo, I haven’t been psyching myself up for this since it was announced, not a bit, not a bit…’
Or maybe you really, genuinely weren’t thinking about it, you just fancied a night out doing something different, as it’s raining and there’s nothing on the telly, you’re really not that bothered if you don’t get the part UNTIL YOU DON’T GET THE PART >:-|
Well, you are not alone. After an unsuccessful audition for Calendar Girls (concluding next week at Grove Park Theatre),* I started thinking about some of the weird and wonderful excuses (ahem, sorry, ‘reasons’) I’ve been given over the years for not being cast in plays. No-one’s ever actually bitten the bullet and told me it’s because I’m rubbish, so it does make me scratch my little fluffy head and wonder how many other factors are at play when it comes to casting. Ooh, it’s a complicated business, this directing lark, and no mistake.
I then realised that I couldn’t possibly be the only person in the world on the receiving end of such creative knock-backs. There are dozens of ‘am dram’ groups out there, all presumably going through the same agonising decisions and hard choices, the poor darlings. There must be, I figured, others with similar stories to tell… And so I opened up this question to a selection of ‘am drammers’ outside my own group. By crikey! I wasn’t quite prepared for what I got. While many of the themes are common, there are some real stonkers in there that make me feel I’ve perhaps got off fairly easily so far :-S
So read on for our (tall) tales from the audition room. Sometimes whimsical, sometimes shocking, always begging the question ‘is it really so hard to tell me I just wasn’t up to it?’, I hope you will feel that you are amongst kindred spirits here. And if you have any stories of your own to add, please share them in the comments below.
Names have been removed to protect the innocent – or guilty…
You are too well spoken; it would make the others sound bad
[‘for Private Lives‘]
You have flat Northern vowels
[‘told by a man whose lip curled as he said it, so I gave him an example of a flat Northern vowel as my parting shot’]
You could be the best person at the audition, but if, when I close my eyes, your voice doesn’t fit, I won’t cast you
You’re too young
[‘to a 24-year old actor auditioning for the role of a 24-year old’]
You would make the person you’d be cast against look too young
Your voice is too big
[‘at primary school and desperate to be Mary in the Nativity; Mary didn’t have dialogue’]
We were looking for someone a little more naive
[‘I was 19’]
You are too tall – and we really wanted a boy
You could do it standing on your head, but we wanted to give someone else a chance
[‘said person had been in three times as many productions as I had in the past year’]
You’re already a member of this society, so we’ll give your non-member friend the part so they’ll join, and we know you’ll sell the programmes anyway
I can’t quite see you as… [character]
[‘despite my checking out other actresses who’d played the role previously and finding reasonable similarities’]
You have a voice for the professional stage, but it doesn’t work for the subtlety of this amateur production
You were the best person at the audition, but once I’d cast [actress]’s husband in the opposite part, she was just a better fit
[‘they both then dropped out and I was approached to take over; being the sad, stage-hungry whore that I am, I accepted’]
And, to end on, an absolute barnstormer:
Dunno
Enjoy 🙂
* You know the weather we’re having? And you remember that beer garden I mentioned? WELL, WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, SUCKERS?!